Loneliness

Yesterday I received a message from Andreu. He told me he felt sad because he felt lonely and far far away from all the people who were important to him. He wanted to be close to the people he loved, his friends, his family. If something would happen to any of his family members or his friends, he would feel really bad because he hadn´t been around. Thinking of that, he asked himself why did he ever choose to live abroad for such a long time? Was it worth to go abroad and to give up spending more time with the people who are really important to him? This is something that might sound familiar to many people who have lived abroad, or far away from home, for a longer period. The words he used to describe his thoughts and feelings were nearly exactly those I used when I felt exactly the same at nearly the same ´timing´ when I went abroad.

I had been living in Barcelona for 2 months at that moment and he has been living in Zürich 2+ months now as well. He started thinking of this issue when he talked to a friend who told him that one of his friend´s parents had fallen ill badly but that she was living far away from her parents and therefore couldn´t be there at the spot. In Barcelona, I started thinking of this issue when one of my good friends suffered a lethal accident while he was living far away from his family and friends. The moment he passed away, he was ´alone´. None of his friends or family members were at his side.

I had spent holidays with him in Asia just 1 month earlier and I even hadn´t shown him all the pictures that we had taken. The morning after I learnt that I would never see my friend, Wing Lam, again, I was really in a shock. I remember that the sun was shining brightly that day, it was hot and the sky was blue, a typical Barcelonean morning on which I always felt happy just by looking outside. I decided to go outside to get some distraction and fresh air.

When I was walking down the staircases I slipped and I fell down the whole staircase very painfully on my back. I remember that all my cashcards were broken in 2 parts and that my whole back hurt a lot. I started to cry. I probably had wanted to cry all morning already, but I didn´t. This small accident seemed to give me a reason to finally cry out loud because ´something bad´ had happened to me. But of course I didn´t cry because I fell down the stairs, nor because my cashcards were broken. I released something inside that I needed to throw out and the staircase accident opened the door to it.

Rose, Kwok, Me & WingLam @ Hong Kong Parc, summer 2006

Rose, Me & WingLam @ Macau Fisherman´s Warf, summer 2006

I went back to my room and continued crying. I sat down on my ´couchbed´ and asked myself a 100 times: Why I Had Gone To Barcelona?! For a whole year! Do I really need it? No. Does it really give me a lot of satisfaction? Until then, certiainly Not. Do I really like so much living abroad? No, because it depends on the people who are around you. Is it worth trading the time that I spend abroad in a foreign country with nobody that I know and which language I don´t even speak nor understand, with spending time with my friends and family? Certainly NOT! I asked myself what is really important to me, what made my life happy and if I was on track to get that happy life.

I found out it is all about people, to love and to be loved, to care and to be taken care of. People who Really Care who you are and if you are doing well, those were the ones who made my life happy. And all that, I had left behind. I traded it with spending time with people who probably just spent time with me because otherwise they would be alone also, people who called me because they probably just wanted to have a good time, a good party. But would they still be interested if I would have a problem instead? If something would happen to one of my family members or friends, I would SO much regret not having spent time with them... So the next days I was only thinking of one thing: I Want To Go Home!!! I wanted to see my friends, my family, the people whom I really belonged to.

I went back to Holland to attend the ceremony of Wing Lam. I was really happy to be back and to see the ´my people´. I had never been as sad before in my whole life. On the day of the ceremony I cried more tears than I had cried alltogether in my whole life. During my year in Barcelona I wasn´t able to stop tears from flowing on the moments that I was thinking of him, of his gestures, his way of speaking, his jokes and of what he would answer or say if I would ask him for advice on something that had happened to me. Frequently memories just popped up spontaneously, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I spent months in a kind of shock. Today it has been over a year ago. When I think back of all the memories of Wing Lam, both still alive and on his ceremony, I still feel deeply sad but now I am more able to control my emotions and tears.

I also had fear inside me for a long time (and maybe I still have this fear somewhere). I feared that one day something would happen to someone else I cared about. When I called home sometimes and nobody picked up the phone I would start to panick, thinking that something might had happened and that nobody was there to inform me about it. This happened many times, usually when I had tried to call home a few times and if nor my dad, mom or sister answered their mobile phones.

It was a hard period during which I wasn´t sure if I had made ´the correct choice´. I started to doubt everything that I had always wanted; travelling around the world, living in different countries, seeing different cultures and settling down one day, somewhere, but who knows where...The ultimate freedom. During all those years I had never taken into account that I would feel homesick or missing the people around me, probably because they had always been around and I had taken that for granted. But also things like Skype, Internet and low-cost flights had made distances disappear anyway.

I knew that I had to leave for another 6 months directly after my 1 year stay in Barcelona. I had always planned to go far away, to Asia. But when I went home for Christmas, I started to doubt if I would like to leave for another 6 months, and even if I would like to leave at all, but I had to. I talked with friends, family. From all their stories I learnt the following. We never know when or what will happen to whom. If I would stay at home just to be close to everyone ´in case something could happen one day´, I would live a life driven by fear. I would give up things just because I am afraid. My family and friends would not want me to stay close to them and to give up what I had always wanted just because I am afraid they will think I don´t care about them, or because I am afraid something will happen to them. That´s what they told me. If a friend would have asked me the same question, probably I would have said the same.

Staying around doesn´t mean that people will feel better. The thing that matters is the quality, not the quantity. Everyone can live his or her life according this his or her dreams, the only thing that we shouldn´t forget is that we care about our people and to show that to them. Even though I live abroad, I can and I should call home now and then to ask how they are doing, if they need anything, if they would like to talk about something and to really BE there when they do need me around. It´s important to let them know that I am there when they need me, that they are important to me and that I care about them. This all isn´t the same as just ´staying always around´.

Sometimes it´s even the other way around. Just by not being around the people develop a closer relationship because now they need to really take action to maintain the relationship. I´d rather live far away and have some good quality talks with my family than living at home but never talk because everyone has his or her routine and busy schedule. When I am away, at least both parties take their time to really have a good talk. We invest in each other actively.

I felt sad to leave for another 6 months. But I knew that if I would do my best, I would be able to maintain a good relationship with the people. I will do the effort to travel around to visit them, to send them emails and to talk with them. That´s what I have been doing so far. Maybe one day I will feel the need to move back to my home country and to be really close to everyone. For example when my sister gets her first child. I would really like to see the child grow up and to develop a good relationship with the kid instead of being ´the aunt living far away sending over presents on my birthday´.

But at the moment, I know that I should take advantage of my freedom and youth, to do everything that I have always wanted to do because now there is the opportunity. And if something would really go wrong at home, I will be the first to go back. Wouldn´t it then be ´too late´ already? If I would have done my best getting updates of what is happening in the lifes of my friends and family, I would say no, it´s not ´too late´. Because in their hearts they know that I love them and that I am there when they need me.

If Wing Lam would have heard my story, he might have agreed with me.

Crazy young people @ Hong Kong Parc Olympic Stadium, summer 2006

In memoriam, Wing-Lam Yick